I Survived My Teenage Life without Friends

"How do you make friends?" When I was a teenager, this was a question that I had asked myself every single day. I was quite the introverted type, a bit shy and as a result rather quiet. I find it hard to start a conversation with strangers or acquaintances, simply because I just don't know what to talk about with them. Should I talk about last night's episode of Breaking Bad that I watched? Or the latest chapter of One Piece that just came out two days ago? Ah, they might not know those series. Maybe I should ask who their favourite band or singer is? But I might not know who they are! What should I do?! ASFGHJKL!!!!

When I do have something to say and have gathered enough guts to start a conversation, either the other party is uninterested or we couldn't keep the conversation going for long. It makes the next opportunity for a conversation even more awkward.

It's very hard for me to adapt to a new environment. Making friends was a challenge that I had to face every single day, until I'm too tired to make friends, or everyone else has found a friend of their own that I'm no longer needed. In the end, I just become that friendless person in class, who eventually gets bullied for no reason.

Or I guess, it's because nobody's there to defend me. Nobody has a reason to be on my side. They don't even know me well enough. Why should they tell others to stop bullying me? Of course, since they see no point in doing it, they won't defend me. Who am I after all to get pitied by them? Sure, there are a few people with hearts who at least don't actively participate in bullying me. However, these bystanders are in the wrong too, because they didn't stop the bullying. They knew I was suffering but didn't do anything about it. Why?

The Cause

Why do these people not stop others from bullying me? I reckon there could be a few possible reasons behind it:

1. They don't see any benefit that they would gain from helping me.
2. They want to help deep in their hearts but they are afraid that others would start bullying them, or don't wanna be friends with them anymore because they're friends with the one who's always bullied.
3. They like seeing other people suffer. 

Well, which one is it?

I believe it's mostly (2). Those who have this reason are normally the kind-hearted ones, but because they don't want to be left out, they have no choice but to follow the others. Teenagers are scared of being alone, including myself back then of course. Teenagers need a sense of social security i.e. having friends they could spend lunch breaks with, go to the toilet with, do group works with.

Let's admit it, nobody wants to be alone. It isn't a nice feeling when you sit by yourself in the school cafeteria while other tables are full, and chairs that were meant for your table are pulled out by people who want to join other tables that are too full. It isn't a nice feeling when other girls are going to the toilet together but nobody wants to go with you (although to be honest, why would you need someone to accompany you to pee?! Or even worse, when you need to take a shit?!). It definitely isn't a nice feeling when you are the only one who doesn't have a group partner, or when the teacher picks you to be a group leader but nobody wants to join your group. It isn't a nice feeling, is it?

Reason (1) is for the selfish ones. They don't want to do it because they don't gain anything from it, although it clearly benefits and saves others. They are indifferent to how others feel, as long as they live happily. I hate this kind of people but let's face it, everyone (including me) has felt like this at some point in their life. Remember the last time you saw a beggar and ignored them? You know how many people die every day because there is no available blood for transfusion? That's right, it is the same feeling as not helping a person that's being bullied. The problem occurred not because of you, but you can do something to help. It's a difficult decision, isn't it?

In reality, however harsh it may sound, the people of type (3) also exist. They too have a reason behind this attitude. A common reason would be a dysfunctional family. When they don't feel happy at home and don't have the power to fight back, teenagers tend to take out their anger elsewhere. Yes it could be torturing their schoolmates in return, physically or emotionally. This is the most dangerous type of person in my opinion because if they have enough friends who agree with them, it might start a terrible case of bullying and they will be hard to stop.

Let's Take a Step Back

It seems to me that bullying may start not because the victim has done anything wrong. It might just be because the main culprit wants to find someone to unleash their negative feelings at, and everyone else has no choice but to join them in order to get social security, or simply doesn't care enough to help. If you happen to be the lucky (or actually, really unlucky) one, then that's what you get. Bullying. 

Nevertheless, it is not safe to assume that it is entirely not your fault. I used to think that I didn't deserve to be bullied because I hadn't done anything wrong to them. They like to call others names, hit their friends, yell at them, but I? I had never done anything as rude as that! But why was I the bullied one? Why did being nice make me get bullied?! It made no utter sense to me at all; and all I wanted to do was kill myself. However, that was completely wrong thinking. 

Why were they able to call one another names, hit them and yell at them, while still being friends? I think it's because that's what it means to become friends. Real friends.

It means they could be their true selves in front of one another and still enjoy the others' company. It also means they could hurt others physically or emotionally and still laugh about it. It doesn't mean acting nicely with one another. That's just fooling your friends and fooling yourself (unless of course you actually are that nice). It is this freedom to show your true self to others that makes people start knowing you and want to be friends with you.

Remember that you are not perfect. Thinking back about it, I guess I was not very friendly and rarely smiled back then. Maybe a bit nosy and annoying too. :) 

Prevention is Better than Cure

So what can you do if you get bullied? Even better, how can you prevent it?

1. Get HELP!

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Tell a teacher or the school counselor, and your parents. They need to know that you are being bullied. Even if it makes you feel embarrassed, trust me, it helps tremendously just to share your problems with someone else. Someone you can trust, and preferably someone who can help, like your school counselor.

True, it might not always work. If your bullies find out you have been seeing the school counselor, they might guess that you are reporting them and they might bully you even more harshly. Those types of teenagers are very difficult to deal with, so even the counselors might not be able to solve your problem. However, seriously, just talking to someone helps lift up your burden.

Your parents also need to know if you are bullied because they love you (even if you don't think so) and they hate seeing you tortured like that. You will then realise how much they love you, and that feeling alone makes you forget all your problems. :)

2. Make friends

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As if it isn't obvious enough, make friends. Preferably a classmate, although you should make friends across the school too. This is very hard for some people, but if you don't try then you can't expect friends to just fall from heaven (although some people really do! ^_^). Try to join others in their conversation and the honest ones might be nice to you. Start from there and keep making more friends. Be tough and confident! No person deserves to get bullied no matter what they are like, and every single person has a positive side no matter how bad they might seem. 

3. Reflect upon your own attitudes

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It is inevitable that everyone has done something bad in their entire life, whether they realise it or not, intentionally or not. You won't know how bad your own attitude or personality is until you see it on someone else.

Ever seen that annoying car or person who drove or walked very slowly in the middle of the street, taking over the whole street and not allowing anyone else to pass? You might have done that too, you know. Ever thought that person's laugh or walk was hilarious? Or that girl's face that's full of pimples grossed you out? You are not perfect either, you know. Ever been told a joke that really hurts? You might have hurt someone else too, you know.

Self introspection is very important. It is a process that takes time, but taking the first step is key, and it is realising that you yourself are not perfect.

4. Spend your time doing other things that you enjoy

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Keep yourself busy doing other things so you won't think about it too much. Do your hobbies, or find a new hobby! You never know what you enjoy if you don't try. There are very many things in life to explore and do than just making friends in school. It is important to develop various skills when you are young. Who knows when you'll need them in the future? These are a lot more beneficial than thinking about those stupid bullies!

5. Just don't think about it

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Sure, it is really very hard to not think about something that really hurt and shook your mind. However, if you try and think positively about it, it actually helps ease your mind. If you keep thinking about hatred, your mind is focused on that and only that, and it is only going to make you feel worse. Remember, what doesn't kill you make you stronger. When you become an adult or hop to the next stage of maturity, you will realise that this actually is really true and happens in life. What hit you the hardest becomes your source of strength. If you survive this, you will look back on it and realise how much you have learnt from that experience alone. 

6. It gets better. It really does.

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Trust me, it really will get better over time. I used to not trust this. I thought my life would always be terrible, full of hatred and without friends. However, as I moved on with my life, it actually, really got better. The people around me are more mature (though some of them might take a little more time) and hopefully nicer. Moving to a new environment really helps as well because there will be different kinds of people, and hopefully this time there are people whom you can build a good chemistry with! Moving on even further in life, making friends will get very different and you will later realise that getting bullied in one environment does NOT mean you will never escape from it! It gets better. Be optimistic for once! :)

If You Are an Adult

Reading people's mind is not the easiest thing on earth, but take a second to look into their eyes and think about whether they are happy. Teenage stage is difficult for adults to cope with, but it is an important stage for your children and they need you to help! Remember, the environment a person lives in shapes their behaviour. Play a part and save your children!

Final Words

Dear teenagers, bullying is certainly a tough problem. Not everyone can deal with it, and if they don't get the right treatment from others (for example their family) the worst can come to worst. What I know for sure is, it's not something worth killing yourself for.

YOU can save your own selves. Many people and I have survived it. Could you?

P.S. If you would like to add something or share your views, please write in the comment box below! I would greatly appreciate your input.

STOP bullying. Don't be a bystander! Because nobody deserves to get bullied.